Something Beyond "Self"

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     Sitting, we share poetry.  Bits and pieces of our souls are spilled into the air of our local library, at an open mic event.  Sifting through lines of varying shades of "good."  We listen.  Looking at the faces of those laughing, crying, and stoic... I saw and I learned.

     Pain is life.  For everyone it brings its own sting.  Some experience the loss of a parent, grandparent, child, or friend.  Others experience being abused by someone you should be able to trust.  For some the greatest pain is hate of oneself.  For still others being shunned by peers and experiencing bullying is apart of life.  We all hurt, and it is all different.  Even if you meet someone who has gone through the same circumstance as you, their experience is different.

     For many of us in the world we cling to a higher power, something beyond ourselves.  Not only christians do this, but Hindu, Islamic, and Buddhist religions look towards higher beings.  Even those who don't believe in a God or supreme being(s) sometimes turn to science as a a higher source of truth.  However, we sometimes forget to look beside us.  Debates arise between people, and we set up walls and barriers.  We claim our pain as ours.  Sometimes it is what makes us feel "unique."  But pain is one of the things that should really bind us.

     Yes, a mother loosing her teenage daughter to a marriage full of abuse, and loneliness is different then a mother who watches her child move from California to New York.  However, they are both mothers.  Even if they cannot empathize, they can sympathize.  We can hold each other, wipe tears, offer solace and simply... be there. We should look at each other as what we are, human.  We are connected.

     Those I shared my pain with, they didn't make a big deal, they didn't see me cry.  But they looked into my eyes, and saw me.  The walls that could have stood (my religion, gender attraction, schooling differences, dress, and appearance) were broken down between us.  Maybe not forever, but for that moment. And that moment matters.

On "Sex Appeal"

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     Over the last 16 years, I have been raised in a culture where modesty is important.  Because of being a "Mormon" I am almost hyper aware of how I dress or come across.  My parents raised me to see that my body was something sacred and not to be flaunted before the world.

     Now something I find hard, in this world that I grow up in, is that modesty is something that is not taken for granted, or expected.  This I understand.  Most of the time cultures lacking my standards is fine.  The world may be what it will, I will still be me.  However, something I do take issue with and find offensive is the prevalence of online images made to be immodest and sensual.  I am not talking necessarily about pornography, or explicit images.  I am simply talking about all the fandom made images, video game characters, genera models, advertising in general, and media in which the woman are obviously there for sex appeal.

     I find it hard to be barraged constantly by pictures of singers, actresses, models and "sexy" video game characters.  Through these pictures woman are told many different things.  When a friend says, "I just love playing this character!" and proceeds to show you pictures of a tall looking woman who has large breasts, an abnormally thin waist, and a large... rump, I can't help wincing. Then to see this character, with the body proportions that men seem to want, fighting battles and doing it while in a skin tight dress is more then disheartening.

     The problem for me is that even if you aren't viewing porn you see women being objectified online ALL the time.  This leads me to wonder how a real relationship will ever work in the future.  As a Mormon, I am who I am, people may objectify me in their own minds, but I shall never let myself be used as an object.  However, I still feel a pang knowing I can never measure up to what is portrayed online and in our larger American culture.  I am a real girl, and as such I have hair that doesn't look silky, and when the wind blows it all wants to go into my mouth.  I am average height exactly, my curves aren't even in the range of online gaming characters curves, I wear normal clothes,  and I don't fight monsters... and the thing is it hurts.  Through these images I see what many males would consider the "ideal" woman, and I am far from it body wise, activity wise, and not to mention dress wise.

     I have nothing against gaming (in moderation).  I have nothing against woman being allowed to dress how they will.  I do take issue with the fact that I can see how easily it would be to "undress" many video game characters.  I find it hard to believe that any man will seek for a worthwhile, and meaningful relationship in the future, because why should he?  Why should you go for the real thing, when the fake thing has everything you'd like to see and is so much less work?  Because of media and gaming I at least feel a layer of distress, and stress added to my life as I watch my friends spend hours playing with these "perfectly" formed and appealing characters.

     No woman is just her body, and I find it unfortunate that inadvertently boys and men put such stress on the physical.

Being a Teen - Dating

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     Lately the term 'dating' has been on my mind... rather a lot.  See, for us Latter Day Saints (Mormons) dating is something you wait until 16 to do.  Rather, that's what's supposed to happen.  However, the whole thing seems a little confusing.  I mean the whole "Don't date until your 16" thing is kind of straight forward.  However, lots of teens in my religion seem confused about what kind of dating your allowed to do at that age.  *Sigh*  I could go on and on about that... saying how wrong I think some people are... but what I really want to discuss is simply my thoughts and view on the matter.  Not: my view on how others should go about it.

     I think that different people definitely have various things that work for them, whether they be LDS (a Latter Day Saint) or if they are from another denomination.  Some teens are very mature, and some just... aren't.  So, I think that people really should just focus on what their dating ideas are.  What I believe in, as far as dating goes, is based a lot on what my religion and parents advise.

     So basically my view of 'dating' is that its okay to go on group dates starting at 16, and that going on single dates are appropriate when you get older and are more interested in finding a person to marry.  I also think that you shouldn't be exclusive (exclusive = having a boyfriend or girlfriend) until you've gone on several single dates and until you are actually interested in marrying the person you want to be exclusive with.

     There you go.  In one complete paragraph I have stated how I think utopia 'dating' should work.  Sadly 'dating' seems to be a lot more complicated then that.

     For some reason society seems to want people to be exclusive.  They think it makes sense for teens to pair off.  They encourage it!  For me this just seems ridiculous because... well... a teenage relationship will lead either to things that I consider to be sinful when not limited to marriage, or to breaking up.  The fact is that I believe feelings leading to romantic love should be between a man and a woman who can actually take things somewhere without it leading to sin.

     Society's encouragement of teens pairing off troubles me for the above reasons, and because it seems like you can't escape the fact that everyone (including myself sometimes) puts others into 'couples' and pairs.  This makes it hard for me because I know that when I turn 16, and were to go on a group date, then many of my friends (if not all) would think that I liked my date.  Through no real fault of their own, but through conditioning, they would think that we were together.  Then if I were to go out with another young man (lets say the next week) many would see me as a sort of player.  They'd see me as cheating on the young man that I went out with first.  Even though I never had any sort of relationship with either of them and they are both simply my friends.

     I turn 16 in only a little bit.  I have my idea of how dating should work, and the world has their view.  Unfortunately the carrying out of my idea's will probably be viewed unfavorably by those who look at me from a more normal and non-Mormon, non-Naomi point of view.

     So, maybe I'll end up going through with my ideas and pretend not to care about any labels people may give me.  Or, I could just not do any kind of dating for awhile.  I could just wait until I get out of this weird teenage limbo.  I could just hangout with people.  Who knows what I'll do though?  I most certainly don't.

     16... I am coming.  I just don't know what to do with you.

The Change Fear

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     Change.

     Most people think of it and immediately get worried about things such as college, retirement, moving, death, or perhaps simply getting rid of a few things.  We worry about so many things.  "Will it be a good change?" "Does it need to happen?" "Are things better now?"

     There are so many things to worry about.  So many things to think about, but change seems to be one of the top things we think of and let consume our thoughts.  We give it a life of its own.  We worry about if the new school will be too harsh, or if we really will need that power tool in a few weeks, or years.  Life is so full of fluctuating pieces that we must re-arrange, and yet we can't know until later what kind of picture the pieces are making.

     In my mind, the fear isn't really of change at all though.  The change is of the unknown that surrounds or lays past the change itself.  We get stuck in right now, because it is known, and comfortable.  Some people may argue to say that their presence is very uncomfortable, but often these same people aren't happy with the idea of change either.  In a way, I think that many times, its not just the joys but also the pains that make us comfortable. 

     How can pain make you or I comfortable though, you may well ask.  Well, I think that it is not necessarily the pain of something that causes us to be comfortable, but rather the fact that we understand it, and that it is expected, and known which makes it comfortable.  You settle down into your little rut of being called certain things, of dealing with the kid's rooms not being clean, (or to be more extreme) of being beaten by your spouse.  However, somehow you find a sense of comfort in that because you know what that kind of pain is like.  Granted I could be wrong... but I think: 

     We fear moving away from things we know. We fear what we don't understand. We fear the unknown. Change brings these things we fear thus, to some level, we fear change.

Introvert vs. Extrovert

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     I think it interesting that people like so to make ultimatums and generalizations.  I find it interesting and amusing.  Like Dumbledore said, "We have all got both light and dark inside us."  I think it is silly when people say things like, "she is always happy," or when people say, "If you want my love you have to treat me well." The thing is that their rarely is such defined things.  Who can 'always' be happy?  Who can treat someone well all the time?

      This is a strange intro to what I actually want to say...

     What I actually wanted to talk about (as the title indicates) is myself when compared with the titles 'introvert' and 'extrovert.'  Here is the thing... I wouldn't really describe myself as either.

     Now, I know that a lot of people would laugh at this.  However, it is true.  Many people tend to see me as the very essence of an extrovert.  However, sometimes I exhibit very introvertly like qualities.  Sometimes I just don't want to see people.  I am often scared of people I don't really know.  Sometimes I am shy about talking about my opinions.  Often I imagine a 'social event' as just chilling with a couple people rather than having a crowd over, and even more often I'd just like to curl up with a book.

     I think it is interesting how some people are in fact definitely and most legitimately an 'introvert' or an 'extrovert' yet, even though most people seem to be a sort of mix, everyone is judged to be one or the other.  I seem to think that people are a good mix of both, and that how they act simply depends on different variables. 

     Maybe though, at heart, everyone really is one or the other and most people simply adapt so that we all get along better.  Maybe things are not as they seem, and the generalization, that English professors seem to hate so much, is actually very close to the truth.

     Now I have reached the place where I have gone in a circle with my thinking.  But, I remain firm in my belief that most people have a bit of both in them.  In everybody, there seems to be a bit of the introvert and the extrovert, in general.  For what reason or how the pieces of both things come to be in people, I don't know.  However, I have a bit of both and I think most people do.

Being a Teen - Peers

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     I find the whole idea of peers to be interesting.  I find it interesting that adults have this image of shoving a bunch of the same aged kids together and then "poof" you have peers.

     For me the word peer implies equal.  Now I'm not trying to say that I don't find my supposed 'peers' to be on the same mental plane as me.  Not at all.  However, I do want to imply that I don't think that peers are really defined by what age they are.  For me, I count my peers to be those who have my same interests, who have similar personality traits and those who understand where I am coming from.

     I find it strange that we are expected to have peers from our own grades.  I find it slightly silly that many people seem to think that age difference (or grade difference) makes somebody not your 'peer.'

     Now that you know where I am coming from, I will say that I have a problem with this idea that peers are your age.  I think it is a problem because in many ways it tells teens, who are slightly different than the kids they know their age, that something is wrong with how they think.  Or, not necessarily wrong, but that they have to change if they want to get along with their 'peers.'

     I think that most of the pressure we have as teens to 'fit in' comes from the fact that we feel that those our age must be our peers.  If we don't think conventionally then we think something is wrong.  I think that people have this inner source that makes them desire other people's company.  We all desire to have peers.  But, I think that the idea that this urge and desire should lead us only to people are our own age... it's silly.

     For a little while, when I was in Maryland, I was in a homeschool girl scout troop.  It was really fun until the girls all hit about 9, or 10. Suddenly we had the outgoing girls being 'popular.' The shy girls formed their own group, and the girls in-between just got to do whatever they wanted.  It was strange to watch as the in-between girls slowly made themselves more outgoing or shyer. It was a barely noticeable change, but I saw it. They changed because they knew who their 'peers' were, and they wanted to fit in and to be good friends with them.

     I never fit in with either group really. I never wanted to. I had friends in both groups and I was fine with hanging with all of them.  I stayed true to who I knew my real peers were in the beginning.

      I think people should change their image of peers. We should stop thinking that peers are our age, and start thinking more along the lines of peers being those like us.

Being a Teen - the Socialization Question

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     I find school to be an interesting subject. Especially all of the common Homeschooling misconceptions.  I mean, who decided that sitting in the same building for 7 or 8 hours makes you social?  I just find some conceptions of homeschooling ridiculous.  Who decided that just because you choose to do school at home you are not an outgoing person?

     Once when I was figuring out what sarcasm was and how to use it, I heard my mom and one of her friends talking.  It was at a soccer game and I was waiting for my team to need me on the field.

     The woman talking to my mom turned to me and asked, "So you're homeschooled.  What do you do?  How does socialization work?"  I just looked at her for a moment, thinking about how much how I hated the socialization questions.

     After a moment of thought, I looked her right in the eye and said, "Well, pretty much my mom just locks me up in the basement. That definitely explains why I am here."  I got called into the game and that was that.  But before I left I got to see her startled face.  I really think she thought there was truth to what I said.

     Ah, that story is always fun for me to remember... Anywho.  I think that people's conception of school is entertaining.  I find it interesting that parents, when confronted with the fact that I am homeschooled always seem to ask about my social skills.  I have rarely been asked, "So what subjects are you doing this year?" "What grade are you in?" or even, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

     I remember being at play-groups as a little girl and when adults asked my peers about school they always seemed to ask, "So what do you want to be when you grow up?" but when they talked to me and then found out I was homeschooled they would go to my mom and ask about my "socialization." Now that I am thinking about this... perhaps it was because I am too outgoing... (?)

     The thing is that this apparent worry over the matter of being able to conduct yourself like a normal human being seems to eclipse academia in most, if not all, parents' minds.

     Thus I leave you with a question.  Are those big building called schools, where teens and children sit for hours, and learn to worry about things that aren't real (like how they are dressing, doing their makeup, how their hair looks, and which group they are in) truly the place where kids will learn to be an asset to the world around them, and where they will learn what being a human, and being 'socialized' really is?

Being a Teen

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     Sometimes, I think, it is hard for teenagers to figure out what we are doing.  We are children in so many ways, and yet some of us look like adults.  We feel grown-up, yet to our parents, we still are dependent and naive.  We are stuck in this middle land wedged awkwardly between childhood and adulthood.  We want so much, yet we don't know the right way to go about getting what we want half of the time.

     I find myself wondering, When does this end?  When does the full metamorphosis from dependent to independent being happen?

     I look at those around me and realize that there is no real answer to this.  It is so personal, so individual, and so undefined that it almost is like a mirage.  However, teenage-hood is definitely something that is real.  Whether it is real due to culture, or because it is natural, I don't know.  However, whatever it is that makes it real, it doesn't matter.  What matters is how it will work for me.  (Maybe that was a self-centered teenage thought...)

     What am I doing with these teenage years?  Am I trying to become an adult, or am I just waiting for it to come?  What am I doing?  I try to answer these questions every day.  But, every day I look around me and see something that I don't believe in.

      Parents seem to think that teenagers are irresponsible, careless, and do whatever they want.  The world seems to want to let us, as teenagers (and young adults), to simply be.  So many more seem to be not only allowed to do whatever but almost encouraged. Its like society wants us to be mindless.

     But, personally, I want to be working to be the best person I can be.  Not necessarily striving to be an adult, but striving to become somebody who can grow into a responsible human being.  I am trying hard to be somebody who I would admire.  I am trying so hard, yet from outside I feel this pressure to not be who I want to be.  It is strange and almost jarring.  Luckily I have parents and have chosen friends who seem to support me in being me and becoming who I desire to be.

     If only the world realized that teens have minds.  Even if they aren't the same as adults' minds, they still exist.