Feeling Neverland

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     Colleges have begun to flood my email and snail mail with information about their programs. They send me explanations of why their program is "just right" for me.  Many of my good friends have already moved off to college, or to go on two year missions for our church. And as these two things align, I realize an ever growing fear.  A fear of growing up.

     I don't mean I have a fear of growing old.  Age is superfluous in my mind.  I don't fear my face being lined with wrinkles, nor my hands becoming blemished and shaking. What I fear is having to leave my childhood home, leaving friends for college, and forgetting to enjoy simple things because of responsibility.  To fear. It hurts. 

Anxiety runs like veins 

Like nerves 

Linked to brain 

To heart

Pushing to be known 

Running on it's own

Logic wishing to call

But the feeling coursing 

Love being twisted

To fear and ache

Happiness being turned

To withered leaves

Ready to fall

My heart

Yearns and calls

Into the chasm 

Of faith

And somewhere

The thread is tied

I hold 

Despite 

The pain of fear

The pain of anxious everything

Poem 214 ~ 3/18/2015

     I feel like Wendy Darling.  One foot in the nursery, and one out the door.  Stuck on the stories, playtime, and dreams of childhood.  Yet, working on gaining a career, living on my own, and attempting to become a thoughtful adult.  In some ways I am ready to move into the world. Still in others... I'm trying to find Neverland.

     The draw of stuck time pulls, but the reality of moving through life appeals.  I may feel Neverland wishing to be near.  But to grow up, that shall be my awfully big adventure. 

Masks

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I look in the mirror
What do I see?
Myself as I am?
Me as I appear?
The outer shell, 
That contains nothing?
The inner core, 
Shining out?

I look into your eyes. 
What is there?
Muscle, tissue, 
Chemical reactions?
The soul staring out
Through tinted panes?
Beauty pooling through
Yet, still contained?

Maybe it is but a farce
Faces may be just masks
Hiding our souls, 
From us, 
From them, 
And those we love. 

What would people think 
If our souls lay unmasked
Or perhaps I should ask
What would we be?

Poem 59 ~ 12/14/2012

Heart in Hand

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Talking with a friend, we found ourselves discussing the state of his relationship with his girlfriend.  As we spoke he stated, "I just feel like I just keep giving my heart, but it isn't being accepted. Obviously it is, since she and I are dating... But it's like I am giving my everything, and they aren't appreciating it."  The response I gave him was one that I have found all too often to be true.  With friends and people I truly trust I have encountered the following.

    You extend your hands, offering up your heart, and the other person looks at it.  They see it, and they say they like "that part" and "this part."  You offer them the whole of your heart, and they simply like or love parts.  So, they accept the whole thing.  But they are truly only accepting certain parts and pieces of you.  It hurts because you want them to take it... but really you want them to look at your offering and for them to look up into your eyes and say "I love it. I love all of it. Thank you!"

    At the time I wasn't dating anyone, so I felt this conversation was more for my friend’s benefit.  However, as I thought more about it I realized... I am both the offerer and the person who says, "I like this part."  I offer my heart to myself, and my whole life I have never looked into my eyes.  I have looked at the heart and told myself that I only like pieces.  I like when I produce a good poem.  I love when I manage to make someone smile.  But, I have never looked over my whole heart, looked into myself, and said, "I realize your humanity, and that you are weak like all others are at times. Yet, I love you.  I will love the whole of you."

    I am my own hurt.  Everyday I cannot help but have my heart in sight of my own judgment.  And every day I judge.  I don't think I am the worst of people, but I sometimes say things to myself that I would never tell anyone else.  Why?  I can look at others and give them the benefit of the doubt.  But I know myself, and thus I don't give myself that benefit.

    Maybe the key, however, is to look at the whole of my heart and realize, I am trying.  My hands offer up.  I wish to accept.  I want to love myself.  For to love is to respect, trust, and be comfortable with.  To feel at peace is a part of loving yourself.

     I offer myself my heart.  In my hands it has lain for years.  The faults and the strengths wishing to be equally understood and seen.  And I see them.  I see it, and I love it.  I love all of it.  I wish to help myself to become stronger.  But, I will lead kindly and I will learn to love more fully.  For peace in my own head and skin... that is the beginning of all I want.

Something Beyond "Self"

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     Sitting, we share poetry.  Bits and pieces of our souls are spilled into the air of our local library, at an open mic event.  Sifting through lines of varying shades of "good."  We listen.  Looking at the faces of those laughing, crying, and stoic... I saw and I learned.

     Pain is life.  For everyone it brings its own sting.  Some experience the loss of a parent, grandparent, child, or friend.  Others experience being abused by someone you should be able to trust.  For some the greatest pain is hate of oneself.  For still others being shunned by peers and experiencing bullying is apart of life.  We all hurt, and it is all different.  Even if you meet someone who has gone through the same circumstance as you, their experience is different.

     For many of us in the world we cling to a higher power, something beyond ourselves.  Not only christians do this, but Hindu, Islamic, and Buddhist religions look towards higher beings.  Even those who don't believe in a God or supreme being(s) sometimes turn to science as a a higher source of truth.  However, we sometimes forget to look beside us.  Debates arise between people, and we set up walls and barriers.  We claim our pain as ours.  Sometimes it is what makes us feel "unique."  But pain is one of the things that should really bind us.

     Yes, a mother loosing her teenage daughter to a marriage full of abuse, and loneliness is different then a mother who watches her child move from California to New York.  However, they are both mothers.  Even if they cannot empathize, they can sympathize.  We can hold each other, wipe tears, offer solace and simply... be there. We should look at each other as what we are, human.  We are connected.

     Those I shared my pain with, they didn't make a big deal, they didn't see me cry.  But they looked into my eyes, and saw me.  The walls that could have stood (my religion, gender attraction, schooling differences, dress, and appearance) were broken down between us.  Maybe not forever, but for that moment. And that moment matters.

Shout Out to 1D Fans:

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     I almost wouldn't write this.  I happen to really like just writing... thoughts.  I think voicing is better then preaching.  Thus, that is what I try to do.  But in the past few days I have seen pain, frustration, and hurt that honestly scares me.

     Over Google+ and, I have noticed, a large amount of social media an influx of Zayn, and One Direction, related negative emotion is pouring in. People are hurting.

     I consoled a friend who was falling to pieces over Zayn... And I just... It was so sad. Yes, I enjoyed Zayn. He is cool. And it's sad when a band member leaves. But it's just awful when you realize somebody who meant to give such joy through music... Is now being punished by his fans. He wanted to make his and 1D's fans happy.  Instead some are cutting and and flirting with, and acting on suicidal thoughts. Can you imagine how awful that must be for Zayn? He didn't want to give a lie by remaining in the band when he wasn't happy there. But now fans are disgracing the past 5 years he gave them, by hurting yourselves and wishing to inflict self harm. 

     Please, go to the old albums, cry over him all you want. I get band dedication. I am sympathetic. But don't give so much pain to a man who spent 5 years trying to make you smile! Put down the knives, stop looking for the rope. Remember, he loves you. He gave you as much as he could, and that's all an artist can ever give.

     To feel is to be human. To hurt yourself because of it, is to need help.

Shield and Sword

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     With my arms

     I have tried to protect you

     I told you

     Of my joys

     So my wounds

     You couldn't share

     I petitioned to God 

     For him to give you wonder

     My prayers were themed 

     Asking for you to be free

     If I was in pain

     My heart would soar

     Thinking that you hurt not

     That you were innocent

     In my dreams 

     They take you

     And it is I who comes

     When they prepare their knives

  

     I come to you

     And they watch me 

     Hungrily they watch

     And I give myself for you

     I take your pain

     They torture, eat, hold me

     And my only joy

     Is knowing they cannot touch you

     In life I would do it

     I would take pain

     The pain meant for you

     

     It wasn't until now that I saw

     The greatest pain

     My arms can't deflect 

     Is me

     And that eventually I must leave

     My arms cannot shield 

     For they are the pain

     I sacrifice myself 

     But my sacrifice hurts you

     Last night I dreamt 

     They I gave myself to

     And the greatest pain

     Was feeling your eyes watch

     There was no joy

     And your eyes

     They hurt the most

 Poem 89 ~ 3/14/2013

Lessons Learned from Dating

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     In every culture there is a different way of going about dating.  Some date one boy in particular and give him everything, others go out with many people and treat it as simply a way to become better friends.  Whatever you do, and how you go about it... I think you learn lessons from dating.  Over the last bit that I have been allowed to date (16 is when people in my religion may begin to date), I have treated it several different ways.  

     There are the friends who I have asked out on group dates, in order to just get to know them better.  There are the boys who I have liked and called "boyfriend."  Their are boys who I have adored and sorta gone out with, but we never called it anything.  All of these boys, however we defined our dates, were a risk of the heart I hold.  Not necessarily were they an opportunity for my heart to be broken, or hurt.  But they all were an opportunity to have my heart changed.  

     Every person you meet in this world has an opportunity to change you somehow. Maybe just a little. But they have the opportunity to change you in some degree. The closer we let people, the more opportunity they have to change us, to influence us. And to go on a date is the step up from hanging out.  Thus, it makes sense that people we go on dates, or a date, with would have more opportunity to shape us as a person.  

     The heart starts out ours, and slowly it changes.  It grows.  Family, friends, crushes, acquaintances, bullies.  They all tie in making us who we are.  Some introduce us to sushi.  A few to snub remarks about hair.  Others show us Folk Music.  Many introduce pieces of us, that weren't but now are.  Dating is... something where we say we are willing to open ourselves up to someone.  We will allow those people to influence us somehow.  We are open to it.  We embrace it to some extent.  

     The healing of a long hug; the pain of being ignored; the finding that you like theater popcorn; figuring out you cannot stand super strong cologne; that you enjoy being asked if your comfortable; that you like boys who laugh at things you say; that you don't like boys who never make their own jokes; the building up of your confidence in a talent; or the weakening of one of your aspirations.  These are things you can learn from dating, and which shape who you are.  Done casually or seriously, dating is an opportunity to let things be added to your knowledge, and to your heart. 

     The heart is a pieced together thing.  Always changing.  Growing, shrinking, hurting, reaching.  Dating is often fun, and should be enjoyable.  The important thing is to remember, however you go about it... be wise as to whom you welcome, and open your heart to.  We cannot exactly choose who we have feelings for.  But we can keep such feelings from turning into love.  We can choose who we will invite to touch our soul, our heart, our mind.  The lessons I have learned are many.  But this one encompasses them all: Go wisely, for the hearts sake.  

Thank You!

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     Recently I hit 3,500 views.  It hit and I was freakin' out.  (Yes spell check claims that "freakin'" isn't a word... it is people. It is.)

     I was just so pleased.  My thoughts have been taken in and considered 3000+ times! I was just like, "Did you see that? Are you seeing this? Oh my goodness... maybe I actually can write interesting things!"  And this, clearly and most logically, led to Twilight.

     I mean.... "write interesting things." What is that?  Twilight gave teenage girls everywhere something easy, wanted, and fluffy to read.  Kinda like whipped cream.  Who doesn't like spraying rich, creamy, fluffy, digestible whipped cream into their mouth?!?  Okay... maybe those allergic to milk... but you get what I'm trying to say.  Twilight was written poorly, it came in a cheap can, yet it fed teen girls what they wanted complete with a cherry on top.  As a generalization girls want to be seen, desired, loved, and know that there guy will be proud of her, and fight for her.  Bella had nothing interesting about her.  So, if it could happen for her, couldn't it happen for anyone??

     Twilight was a classic, and rather potent case of giving an audience what they want.

     Bleak House, and Les Miserables however are examples of books that didn't give what an audience what they wanted.  Instead they gave what was needed.  

     They gave thought, and talent, rather then sugar coated desire. 

     So when I go to my blog to update, check, and write new content... and I see that I have now reached the thousands.  I look at it and hope with all my heart that there are views because what I say is actually interesting, thoughtful, and lovely.

     When I first started this blog, I really wanted to get my ideas out. I wanted to let my thoughts be read.  That dream is being fulfilled, and it has gone infinitely better then I thought it would.  I now have more then 3 views... From my mom. I have over 3,000 from people I know, and those I don't!

     Thank you to all those who have viewed, and will view my thoughts.  I love that, even for a brief moment, our souls can be joined through my writing and your reading. 

On "Sex Appeal"

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     Over the last 16 years, I have been raised in a culture where modesty is important.  Because of being a "Mormon" I am almost hyper aware of how I dress or come across.  My parents raised me to see that my body was something sacred and not to be flaunted before the world.

     Now something I find hard, in this world that I grow up in, is that modesty is something that is not taken for granted, or expected.  This I understand.  Most of the time cultures lacking my standards is fine.  The world may be what it will, I will still be me.  However, something I do take issue with and find offensive is the prevalence of online images made to be immodest and sensual.  I am not talking necessarily about pornography, or explicit images.  I am simply talking about all the fandom made images, video game characters, genera models, advertising in general, and media in which the woman are obviously there for sex appeal.

     I find it hard to be barraged constantly by pictures of singers, actresses, models and "sexy" video game characters.  Through these pictures woman are told many different things.  When a friend says, "I just love playing this character!" and proceeds to show you pictures of a tall looking woman who has large breasts, an abnormally thin waist, and a large... rump, I can't help wincing. Then to see this character, with the body proportions that men seem to want, fighting battles and doing it while in a skin tight dress is more then disheartening.

     The problem for me is that even if you aren't viewing porn you see women being objectified online ALL the time.  This leads me to wonder how a real relationship will ever work in the future.  As a Mormon, I am who I am, people may objectify me in their own minds, but I shall never let myself be used as an object.  However, I still feel a pang knowing I can never measure up to what is portrayed online and in our larger American culture.  I am a real girl, and as such I have hair that doesn't look silky, and when the wind blows it all wants to go into my mouth.  I am average height exactly, my curves aren't even in the range of online gaming characters curves, I wear normal clothes,  and I don't fight monsters... and the thing is it hurts.  Through these images I see what many males would consider the "ideal" woman, and I am far from it body wise, activity wise, and not to mention dress wise.

     I have nothing against gaming (in moderation).  I have nothing against woman being allowed to dress how they will.  I do take issue with the fact that I can see how easily it would be to "undress" many video game characters.  I find it hard to believe that any man will seek for a worthwhile, and meaningful relationship in the future, because why should he?  Why should you go for the real thing, when the fake thing has everything you'd like to see and is so much less work?  Because of media and gaming I at least feel a layer of distress, and stress added to my life as I watch my friends spend hours playing with these "perfectly" formed and appealing characters.

     No woman is just her body, and I find it unfortunate that inadvertently boys and men put such stress on the physical.

Why is it?

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     While pondering life, and the greatness of it, I realized something.  It must be one of the greatest common ironies of life.  This irony being, that the people closest to us, are often the ones we express ourselves the least to.

     When I say express ourselves... I don't just mean by talking, I mean, simply making things known in a straightforward way.  Often, I will express to a perfect stranger, "Hey, I really like your hair."  Sometimes, I will even praise a person's choice of book or music.  However, how often do I tell my own family that I like how they’re dressed, or say, "I love that TV show! I am glad we can like it together."?

     I think that sometimes, we forget to not take those close to us for granted.  I will often get caught up in something, and forget to mention things because it seems 'obvious.'  Such as, I obviously liked the present I gave this kid, so why should I mention that I think he looks dashing wearing it?  Well, sometimes, the things that seem simple, and not necessary, can be the things that might bring the most pleasure to someone.

     I just go around assuming that my friends know how much I love hanging with them, because I try to make it happen regularly.  But, why don't I ever just take 5 seconds and tell them?  It can't be because I'm "too busy" because who is too busy to take a moment to say something?  However, the fact is that I don't mention the little things that make me happy.

     A friend told me that I should write a list of things that make me happy.  At first, I was going to list blessings, however, then I thought about it, and I decided to write about things that are simply... nice.  It is very strange to look at it and realize that many of these 'nice' things are things that I could say thanks to people for... Such as when somebody saves me a seat in class, or has a place they want me to sit; being invited over to somebody's house to hangout; and being asked to dance, even if they felt like it was a little late to ask.

     There are SO many things I could say that make me happy, and that I've never even thought to thank my family, or friends for... So, I'd like to take a moment to tell everyone who has touched my life in some way: Thank you!  My parents, my siblings, my extended family, and my friends.... you all deserve to be thanked.  Maybe someday I will get better at voicing myself to those who matter.  Starting now, I am going to try and get better at it.

Let Me Speak of Valentines Day

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     Valentines Day...  I think its probably once was a really cute idea to have this day dedicated to 'love' and 'passion.'  However, now it seems like its just a day of commercialism.  Everywhere there are adds trying to make people buy something bigger and supposedly 'better' in order to express their love.  I think this idea that we almost have to 'out-do' others in expressing our love is sad.  I mean, don't get me wrong... I love the idea of getting chocolate/a present however, I don't think anybody should ever stress about how big is 'big enough.'  Personally, I think love should be shown year round, not just on one day of the year.

     That all being said, its still nice to have a day that reminds us to maybe do something a little extra special.  It is still nice to have a day that reminds you to express your appreciation of friends, family, and maybe a special someone in a way that you usually wouldn't.

     So, lets try to make today nice for those we love/appreciate, and yet remember to keep showing are appreciation even after the day ends.  Don't just keep it store bought!

     Now for some love poetry snippets just because:

"When you lose your way through your own hair, 
do not forget me, remember that I love you.
Don't let me wander lost - without your hair-"

"I say love, and the world fills with doves.
Each syllable of mine makes the spring arrive."

"so the day weaves and unweaves its heavenly net, 
with time, salt, whispers, growth, roads,
a woman, a man, and winter on the earth."

"I am because you are, 
since then you are, I am, we are, 
and through love I will be, you will be, we'll be."

"Then love knew it was called love .
And when I lifted my eyes to your name, 
suddenly your heart showed me my way." 

"I love you, on your lips I kiss happiness itself."

"there is only your glance against so much emptiness, 
only your light against extinction, 
only your love to shut out the shadows."
-All by: Pablo Neruda

     This post is dedicated to my wonderful mother and father who have taught me that love is more then just how much somebody is willing to buy for you or give you physically.

Christmas

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     A thought formed over three days:

    Christmas is wonderful.  As I sit here writing this, my sister is starting to use the fashion drawing kit that she received this morning.  My dad has already started reading the book "Rough Stone Rolling."  I intend to begin the book on driving I got, although, right now, I'm just working on a pack of nerds.

     Christmas day is truly wonderful.  The magic of waking up to a stuffed, over-sized 'stocking' filled with goodies. Due to tradition my siblings and I waited impatiently for our parental figures to wake. Then my family opens presents all together and take turns unwrapping them.  We look forward to the traditional waffle breakfast.  Christmas day, is one that is typically full of pleasure and gifts both giving and receiving. Sometimes, I think we forget what the whole point of the holiday.  Sometimes, I think we get lost in the magic of giving and getting.

    I sometimes have a hard time imagining how Christs birth turned into Christmas. I mean... who the heck was like, "I want to remember Christ... so how about this: I'll drag nature inside, I'll put lights outside, we'll tell the children about this old dude who wears red and white, we'll put up stockings made just for Christmas day, oh... and we'll bake a large amount of sugary foods."

     Now, don't get me wrong.  I love the presents I got, I love eating the cookies and other assorted baked goods, and I really do love the Christmas tree.  However, what do any of these things really have to do with Christ?

     I think that they don't really have any direct relation to Christ.  Which is why it's sometimes hard to remember that it's Christmas not Santamas.  However, even though nothing (that I can think of without much thought) is directly related to Christ and his ministry, everything can still remind us of Christ.  Putting up the Christmas tree provided my family with a time to be together and to work towards a common goal.  The presents remind me of the pleasure that can be felt in any kind of giving.  Baking plates of cookies can remind us that Christ's ministry wasn't just about making an individual better, or a family kinder to one another, it was about being nice to everyone.

Being a Teen - Dating

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     Lately the term 'dating' has been on my mind... rather a lot.  See, for us Latter Day Saints (Mormons) dating is something you wait until 16 to do.  Rather, that's what's supposed to happen.  However, the whole thing seems a little confusing.  I mean the whole "Don't date until your 16" thing is kind of straight forward.  However, lots of teens in my religion seem confused about what kind of dating your allowed to do at that age.  *Sigh*  I could go on and on about that... saying how wrong I think some people are... but what I really want to discuss is simply my thoughts and view on the matter.  Not: my view on how others should go about it.

     I think that different people definitely have various things that work for them, whether they be LDS (a Latter Day Saint) or if they are from another denomination.  Some teens are very mature, and some just... aren't.  So, I think that people really should just focus on what their dating ideas are.  What I believe in, as far as dating goes, is based a lot on what my religion and parents advise.

     So basically my view of 'dating' is that its okay to go on group dates starting at 16, and that going on single dates are appropriate when you get older and are more interested in finding a person to marry.  I also think that you shouldn't be exclusive (exclusive = having a boyfriend or girlfriend) until you've gone on several single dates and until you are actually interested in marrying the person you want to be exclusive with.

     There you go.  In one complete paragraph I have stated how I think utopia 'dating' should work.  Sadly 'dating' seems to be a lot more complicated then that.

     For some reason society seems to want people to be exclusive.  They think it makes sense for teens to pair off.  They encourage it!  For me this just seems ridiculous because... well... a teenage relationship will lead either to things that I consider to be sinful when not limited to marriage, or to breaking up.  The fact is that I believe feelings leading to romantic love should be between a man and a woman who can actually take things somewhere without it leading to sin.

     Society's encouragement of teens pairing off troubles me for the above reasons, and because it seems like you can't escape the fact that everyone (including myself sometimes) puts others into 'couples' and pairs.  This makes it hard for me because I know that when I turn 16, and were to go on a group date, then many of my friends (if not all) would think that I liked my date.  Through no real fault of their own, but through conditioning, they would think that we were together.  Then if I were to go out with another young man (lets say the next week) many would see me as a sort of player.  They'd see me as cheating on the young man that I went out with first.  Even though I never had any sort of relationship with either of them and they are both simply my friends.

     I turn 16 in only a little bit.  I have my idea of how dating should work, and the world has their view.  Unfortunately the carrying out of my idea's will probably be viewed unfavorably by those who look at me from a more normal and non-Mormon, non-Naomi point of view.

     So, maybe I'll end up going through with my ideas and pretend not to care about any labels people may give me.  Or, I could just not do any kind of dating for awhile.  I could just wait until I get out of this weird teenage limbo.  I could just hangout with people.  Who knows what I'll do though?  I most certainly don't.

     16... I am coming.  I just don't know what to do with you.

Missing Him

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     Recently while talking to someone about Christmas in correlation with death I said, "It still hurts to know that somebody's missing, but it gets easier to handle."  This seems true for me even if it is not universal.  The pain changes, yet it still hurts.  At first, when it finally hit me, the pain of losing my Grandpa was sharp.  It tore at the fabric of my life.  It made things feel 'off.'

     Now the pain is a dull throb that every once-in-a-while becomes something more.  Its a subtle ache that doesn't always necessarily hurt, but always makes me remember him.  Sometimes though the pain becomes sharp again.  Something scratches at the scar caused by my Grandpa's passing.  I had one of those moments last night.

     My grandpa and I, forever ago, started to watch the one season show named Firefly. (Click HERE to see previous post about that.)  Last night I finally watched the last episode.  It was... hard.  The show is simply delightful and thus I really did want to watch it.  However, it hurt because I just missed him, the one who got me started on it.

     The show was lovely.  It was very worthwhile.  I really did love it.  What I loved most though is that afterwords I was able to feel at peace. The whole thing made me ache for my Grandpa, but at the end I was able to be happy that my Grandpa was able to introduce me to some of my favorite TV-show characters ever.  Sure I sobbed for a minute there in between finishing and feeling peace but I was able to feel happy afterwords.

     I miss him.  I hurt sometimes because I wish this life still had him in it.  However, I am so grateful I was able to know him like I did.  I am grateful for the time we were able to have, and the fact that I loved him because I knew him, not just because he's family.  Like one of my friends quoted to me: "Say not in grief 'he is no more,' but live in thankfulness that he was."

     I am grateful I had him.  I am so grateful for those I know and have in my life now.  I will still feel grief over not having my Grandpa to write and laugh with.  However I believe I shall see him again; until then, I am glad that I knew him.

Introvert vs. Extrovert

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     I think it interesting that people like so to make ultimatums and generalizations.  I find it interesting and amusing.  Like Dumbledore said, "We have all got both light and dark inside us."  I think it is silly when people say things like, "she is always happy," or when people say, "If you want my love you have to treat me well." The thing is that their rarely is such defined things.  Who can 'always' be happy?  Who can treat someone well all the time?

      This is a strange intro to what I actually want to say...

     What I actually wanted to talk about (as the title indicates) is myself when compared with the titles 'introvert' and 'extrovert.'  Here is the thing... I wouldn't really describe myself as either.

     Now, I know that a lot of people would laugh at this.  However, it is true.  Many people tend to see me as the very essence of an extrovert.  However, sometimes I exhibit very introvertly like qualities.  Sometimes I just don't want to see people.  I am often scared of people I don't really know.  Sometimes I am shy about talking about my opinions.  Often I imagine a 'social event' as just chilling with a couple people rather than having a crowd over, and even more often I'd just like to curl up with a book.

     I think it is interesting how some people are in fact definitely and most legitimately an 'introvert' or an 'extrovert' yet, even though most people seem to be a sort of mix, everyone is judged to be one or the other.  I seem to think that people are a good mix of both, and that how they act simply depends on different variables. 

     Maybe though, at heart, everyone really is one or the other and most people simply adapt so that we all get along better.  Maybe things are not as they seem, and the generalization, that English professors seem to hate so much, is actually very close to the truth.

     Now I have reached the place where I have gone in a circle with my thinking.  But, I remain firm in my belief that most people have a bit of both in them.  In everybody, there seems to be a bit of the introvert and the extrovert, in general.  For what reason or how the pieces of both things come to be in people, I don't know.  However, I have a bit of both and I think most people do.

Being a Teen - Peers

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     I find the whole idea of peers to be interesting.  I find it interesting that adults have this image of shoving a bunch of the same aged kids together and then "poof" you have peers.

     For me the word peer implies equal.  Now I'm not trying to say that I don't find my supposed 'peers' to be on the same mental plane as me.  Not at all.  However, I do want to imply that I don't think that peers are really defined by what age they are.  For me, I count my peers to be those who have my same interests, who have similar personality traits and those who understand where I am coming from.

     I find it strange that we are expected to have peers from our own grades.  I find it slightly silly that many people seem to think that age difference (or grade difference) makes somebody not your 'peer.'

     Now that you know where I am coming from, I will say that I have a problem with this idea that peers are your age.  I think it is a problem because in many ways it tells teens, who are slightly different than the kids they know their age, that something is wrong with how they think.  Or, not necessarily wrong, but that they have to change if they want to get along with their 'peers.'

     I think that most of the pressure we have as teens to 'fit in' comes from the fact that we feel that those our age must be our peers.  If we don't think conventionally then we think something is wrong.  I think that people have this inner source that makes them desire other people's company.  We all desire to have peers.  But, I think that the idea that this urge and desire should lead us only to people are our own age... it's silly.

     For a little while, when I was in Maryland, I was in a homeschool girl scout troop.  It was really fun until the girls all hit about 9, or 10. Suddenly we had the outgoing girls being 'popular.' The shy girls formed their own group, and the girls in-between just got to do whatever they wanted.  It was strange to watch as the in-between girls slowly made themselves more outgoing or shyer. It was a barely noticeable change, but I saw it. They changed because they knew who their 'peers' were, and they wanted to fit in and to be good friends with them.

     I never fit in with either group really. I never wanted to. I had friends in both groups and I was fine with hanging with all of them.  I stayed true to who I knew my real peers were in the beginning.

      I think people should change their image of peers. We should stop thinking that peers are our age, and start thinking more along the lines of peers being those like us.

Being a Teen - the Socialization Question

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     I find school to be an interesting subject. Especially all of the common Homeschooling misconceptions.  I mean, who decided that sitting in the same building for 7 or 8 hours makes you social?  I just find some conceptions of homeschooling ridiculous.  Who decided that just because you choose to do school at home you are not an outgoing person?

     Once when I was figuring out what sarcasm was and how to use it, I heard my mom and one of her friends talking.  It was at a soccer game and I was waiting for my team to need me on the field.

     The woman talking to my mom turned to me and asked, "So you're homeschooled.  What do you do?  How does socialization work?"  I just looked at her for a moment, thinking about how much how I hated the socialization questions.

     After a moment of thought, I looked her right in the eye and said, "Well, pretty much my mom just locks me up in the basement. That definitely explains why I am here."  I got called into the game and that was that.  But before I left I got to see her startled face.  I really think she thought there was truth to what I said.

     Ah, that story is always fun for me to remember... Anywho.  I think that people's conception of school is entertaining.  I find it interesting that parents, when confronted with the fact that I am homeschooled always seem to ask about my social skills.  I have rarely been asked, "So what subjects are you doing this year?" "What grade are you in?" or even, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

     I remember being at play-groups as a little girl and when adults asked my peers about school they always seemed to ask, "So what do you want to be when you grow up?" but when they talked to me and then found out I was homeschooled they would go to my mom and ask about my "socialization." Now that I am thinking about this... perhaps it was because I am too outgoing... (?)

     The thing is that this apparent worry over the matter of being able to conduct yourself like a normal human being seems to eclipse academia in most, if not all, parents' minds.

     Thus I leave you with a question.  Are those big building called schools, where teens and children sit for hours, and learn to worry about things that aren't real (like how they are dressing, doing their makeup, how their hair looks, and which group they are in) truly the place where kids will learn to be an asset to the world around them, and where they will learn what being a human, and being 'socialized' really is?

Being a Teen

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     Sometimes, I think, it is hard for teenagers to figure out what we are doing.  We are children in so many ways, and yet some of us look like adults.  We feel grown-up, yet to our parents, we still are dependent and naive.  We are stuck in this middle land wedged awkwardly between childhood and adulthood.  We want so much, yet we don't know the right way to go about getting what we want half of the time.

     I find myself wondering, When does this end?  When does the full metamorphosis from dependent to independent being happen?

     I look at those around me and realize that there is no real answer to this.  It is so personal, so individual, and so undefined that it almost is like a mirage.  However, teenage-hood is definitely something that is real.  Whether it is real due to culture, or because it is natural, I don't know.  However, whatever it is that makes it real, it doesn't matter.  What matters is how it will work for me.  (Maybe that was a self-centered teenage thought...)

     What am I doing with these teenage years?  Am I trying to become an adult, or am I just waiting for it to come?  What am I doing?  I try to answer these questions every day.  But, every day I look around me and see something that I don't believe in.

      Parents seem to think that teenagers are irresponsible, careless, and do whatever they want.  The world seems to want to let us, as teenagers (and young adults), to simply be.  So many more seem to be not only allowed to do whatever but almost encouraged. Its like society wants us to be mindless.

     But, personally, I want to be working to be the best person I can be.  Not necessarily striving to be an adult, but striving to become somebody who can grow into a responsible human being.  I am trying hard to be somebody who I would admire.  I am trying so hard, yet from outside I feel this pressure to not be who I want to be.  It is strange and almost jarring.  Luckily I have parents and have chosen friends who seem to support me in being me and becoming who I desire to be.

     If only the world realized that teens have minds.  Even if they aren't the same as adults' minds, they still exist.

My Best Friend and I

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     So, everybody has that group of friends that they are pretty cool with.  Ok, maybe not everybody... but you know what I mean.  There's the group of friends you can have fun with, and its all fun.  However, then there should be the person that you can talk to, and talk to, and still talk to, without feeling like your being as annoying as you probably are.  My best friend, has to probably be Maggie.  She is the coolest person ever.  She's beautiful, and talented, and super funny and nice.

     I wouldn't say we are "two peas in a pod."  I mean... we got our differences.  We got lots of them.  But, we defiantly go together like... brown and pink, fries and chocolate shakes, and like sunny days with blue sky's.  We just... work. 

     So, we are pretty darn weird together.  Especially when I'm slap happy, and we are both super tired.  So, our next big thing, is we are working on a quote book.  Some of these come from friends of mine, hers, or ours.  However, lots of them are just us coming up with things on the fly.

     So here's some of what we got so far:

     "The universe works with us."

     "I can't do that..."

     "Don't you love people of all races?"

     "I like to just handle the egg."

     "I sleep better with you."

     "This cycle of a conversation has been re-run... several times." 

     "Whaa chaa chaa!"

     "I'm thinking about you all the time."

     "I know many references. Some of them are applicable."

     We  know who came up with which ones.  We know which ones are by friends, and which ones we made up based on what somebody else said.  Most are just Maggie and I.  Yes, we do love people of all races, and no we don't sleep together, and we often re-run through conversations.  We are besties and those quotes just sum up some of our weirdom.

     "This presentation was brought to you by Mag's, and My awesomeness."